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Commitment Ceremony and Gay Weddings  
Ceremonies for same-sex couples in Minnesota

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• Both gay and straight couples sometimes ask me, "What is a Commitment Ceremony?"

  As with all weddings, both gay and straight, there are up to five results that come out of any Commitment Ceremony:

  • Personal
  • Religious
  • Familial
  • Social
  • Legal

Next - a Commitment Ceremony can be seen a contract with up to five facets.

A couple's union, whether with a same-sex ceremony or heterosexual one, is a personal, religious, familial, and social contract. It's only the fifth facet of the union, the legal one, is the basic aspect that differentiates a same-sex Commitment Ceremony or wedding from a heterosexual ceremony. Thus, in this way, a wedding can also be seen as a Commitment Ceremony - basically, it's a commitment ceremony that is legally binding. For simplicity's sake, however, it's easiest to start with the definition that a Commitment Ceremony is public, but not legally binding. A Commitment Ceremony may be called many things - a Holy Union (if religious), a gay marriage, or a lesbian wedding (if appropriate).  The ceremony doesn't even have to involve a gay couple. Some hetero couples, for instance, want to commit together publicly, but may not want to go through a legal ceremony. A Commitment Ceremony is public and very important even though the state may not recognize the union.

While we should continue to fight for the legal rights of all our citizens, that doesn't mean that everyone can't have a ceremony or union that is special, beautiful, and meaningful. 

Is a Commitment Ceremony/Holy Union/Gay Wedding legally recognized in the United States?

Simple answer? No. 
Longer answer? For the most part, no.
Longest answer: The vast majority of US states do not recognize the union of same-sex couples. Even the rights granted to couples in Massachusetts and Vermont only apply to couples when they are in those states, and not when they leave to go anywhere else. Therefore, outside of Massachusetts and Vermont, any legal benefits of a Commitment Ceremony must be made on your own, through such legal means as powers of financial and medical attorney, wills, living wills, and pre-nuptial agreements. You can change your name, you can buy a house together, and you can do basically the same things as other married couples, but just by other means. For instance, you, your friends and loved ones can refer to you as married.  Just because you are still filing as "Single" on your tax return doesn't mean that you're not married in a social, personal, religious, and familial sense. That yearly tax return status each spring may be annoying reminder of the state's attitude, but really, in some senses the legal part of the marriage contract is the smallest part.


If Minnesota Commitment Ceremonies is not legally recognized, then why have one?

As mentioned above, there are four other aspects to a couple's union (and the fifth one, the legal part, can be duplicated in many ways by other legal means). Marriage is not just a legal institution, it can also be a personal, religious, familial, and social one. Even if the state does not recognize the union, all the parties involved recognize the commitment, and all the other facets are binding.

Why make the Minnesota Commitment Ceremony a public ceremony?

Whether a ceremony is a wedding or Commitment Ceremony, it is essentially a couple's public witnessing of their Vows of Commitment. The couple has most likely privately vowed to be together forever, but their Vows have never been formally, publicly witnessed. It is this formal witnessing which makes the event a wedding or Commitment Ceremony. As in a wedding, the Guests, i.e. Witnesses, at a Commitment Ceremony play an active and essential part of the ceremony, as all in attendance witness the couple's Vows. Without Witnesses (whether the Best Man, Maid of Honor, or all the Guests), the Exchange of Vows would just be a private act. Hence the phrase, "We are gathered here today, before God and these witnesses, to witness the Vows between these two people." (Note: Sometimes the word "God" is not included, if the ceremony is not religious.)

Who should we invite to our Commitment Ceremony/Holy Union/Gay Wedding?

For their Commitment Ceremony, a couple may invite the people most important to them, the ones they want to publicly witness their Vows of love and commitment. As Witnesses, the Guests are an active and essential part of the ceremony. Vows are a personal contract, and by having them witnessed, the contract becomes public, as well. These Guests are not just any Witnesses, just pulled off the street, as it were, but the people who are most important in the couple's lives. Involving a minister can also make it a religious contract, although not all couples choose this option.

Why use a minister or officiant?

A minister or officiant experienced with Commitment Ceremonies and weddings is very helpful in the planning and execution of the event. In the best-case scenario, the minister is experienced with same-sex unions and has performed this ceremony and its rituals many times. He or she not only knows all the facets, but all the variations of the ceremony as well. Processionals, Recessionals, the Escort "giving away" the one betrothed to the other, these and all the other elements must be agreed upon and coordinated. A hetero wedding's traditions are confusing enough, and now we are basically creating our own traditions. Who should stand up for you? Who walks who down the aisle? Who wears what? These questions are fun and interesting, and an experienced officiant can walk you through all the options, and make sure that you haven't forgot anything.

An experienced minister not only helps write the ceremony, but helps "stage manage" the event, keeping things going smoothly. The couple will only perform this ceremony once, probably with only one rehearsal, and a calm, experienced officiant keeps the ceremony flowing smoothly. Having someone else at the event who really knows the ropes helps make the event ceremonial, meaningful, and special. While the option for humor and light-heartedness is always there, most couples want at least some sense of ceremony, and many couples want a large dose of dignity, decorum, and ritual, as befitting the importance of the day.

Should we write our own Vows? Why exchange rings?

Vows of love and commitment can be written by the couple, or the minister may help the couple choose traditional Vows, or variations of them. Essentially, the exchange of rings is the symbol of the Vows the couple has taken. Vows can be exchanged without rings, of course, but the symbols are powerful, and rings are a physical sign of those vows.

If you have any other questions, I'm always here for you!

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Rev. Tomkin Coleman, 197 Griggs St N, St Paul, MN 55104 612-986-5528