I have performed many commitment ceremonies, and would be honored to be part of yours, helping make sure your special day is beautiful, special, and uniquely yours. The following article helps explain some of the legalities. Some people find these legalities fascinating, others find them kind of dry and would rather focus on the loving, personal parts (so if you know that you'd like to use my services, you can always skip over the following and contact me directly!)
Next - a commitment ceremony can be seen a
contract with up to five facets.
Your union, whether as a same-sex ceremony
or heterosexual one, is a personal,
religious, familial, and social contract.
It's
only the fifth facet of the union, the
legal one, is the basic aspect that
differentiates a same-sex commitment
ceremony or wedding from a heterosexual
ceremony. Thus, in this way, your
wedding can also be seen as a commitment
ceremony - basically, it's a commitment
ceremony that is legally binding. For
simplicity's sake, however, it's easiest to
start with the definition that a commitment
ceremony is
public, but
not legally binding. Your commitment
ceremony may be called many things - a holy
union (if religious), a gay marriage, or a
lesbian wedding (if appropriate). Such a
ceremony doesn't even have to involve a gay
couple. Some straight couples, for instance,
want to commit together publicly, but may
not want to go through a legal ceremony. A
commitment ceremony is public and very
important even though the state may not
recognize the union. While we should
continue to fight for the legal rights of
all our citizens, that doesn't mean that
everyone can't have a ceremony or union that
is special, beautiful, and meaningful.
Is
a commitment ceremony/holy union/gay
wedding legally recognized in the United
States?
- Simple answer? No.
- Longer answer? For the most part, no.
- Longest answer: The
vast
majority of US states do not recognize
the union of same-sex couples. Even the
rights granted to couples in
Massachusetts, Vermont, and Iowa only
apply to couples when they are in those
states, and not when they leave to go
anywhere else.
- Therefore, outside of a few states
(not Minnesota, unfortunately), any
legal benefits of a commitment
ceremony must be made on your own,
through such legal means as powers of
financial and medical attorney, wills,
living wills, and pre-nuptial
agreements. Hennepin County has a Domestic
Partners registration, for
instance, which can help with visiting
privileges in health care facilities.
You can change
your name, you can buy a house
together, and you can usually do the
same things as other married couples,
but just by other means.
- After your weddig, you, your friends
and loved ones can refer to you as
married. Just because you are still
filing as "Single" on your tax return
doesn't mean that you're not married
in a social, personal, religious, and
familial sense. That yearly tax return
status each spring may be annoying
reminder of the state's attitude, but
in some senses the legal part of the
marriage contract is the smallest
part.
If
Minnesota commitment ceremonies are not
legally recognized, then why have one?
As mentioned above, there
are still the four other aspects to a
couple's union (and the fifth one, the
legal part, can be duplicated in many ways
by other legal means). Marriage is not
just a legal institution, it can also be a
personal, religious, familial, and social
one. Even if the state does not recognize
the union, all the parties involved
recognize the commitment, and all the
other facets are binding.
Why make the
Minnesota commitment ceremony a public
ceremony?
Whether your ceremony is a
wedding or commitment ceremony, it is
essentially your public witnessing of
their vows of commitment. You have
privately vowed to be together forever,
but your vows have never been formally,
publicly witnessed. It is this formal
witnessing which makes your event a
wedding or commitment ceremony. As in a
wedding, the guests, i.e. witnesses, at a
commitment ceremony play an active and
essential part of the ceremony, as all in
attendance witness the couple's vows.
Without witnesses (whether the Best Man,
Maid of Honor, or all the guests), the
exchange of vows would just be a private
act. Hence the phrase, "We are gathered
here today, before God and these
witnesses, to witness the vows between
these two people." (Note: Sometimes the
word "God" is not included, if your
ceremony is not religious.)
Who should we invite
to our commitment ceremony/holy
union/gay wedding?
For your commitment
ceremony, you may invite the people most
important to them, the ones they want to
publicly witness their vows of love and
commitment. As witnesses, the guests are
an active and essential part of your
ceremony. Vows are a personal contract,
and by having them witnessed, your
contract becomes public, as well. Your
guests are not just any witnesses, just
pulled off the street, as it were, but the
people who are most important in your
lives. Involving a minister can also make
it a religious contract, although not all
couples choose this option.
Why use a minister
or officiant?
Two reasons:
- A minister or officiant experienced
with commitment ceremonies and weddings
is very helpful in the planning your event. In
the best-case scenario, the minister is
experienced with same-sex unions and has
performed this ceremony and its rituals
many times. He or she not only knows all
the facets, but all the variations of
the ceremony as well. Processionals,
Recessionals, the Escort "giving away"
the one betrothed to the other, these
and all the other elements must be
agreed upon and coordinated. A hetero
wedding's traditions are confusing
enough, and now we are basically
creating our own traditions. Who should
stand up for you? Who walks who down the
aisle? Who wears what? These questions
are fun and interesting, and an
experienced officiant can walk you
through all the options, and make sure
that you haven't forgot anything.
- Additionally, an experienced minister
not only helps write the ceremony, but
helps "stage manage" the event, keeping
things going smoothly. The couple will
only perform this ceremony once,
probably with only one rehearsal, and a
calm, experienced officiant keeps the
ceremony flowing smoothly. Having
someone else at the event who really
knows the ropes helps make the event
ceremonial, meaningful, and special.
While the option for humor and
light-heartedness is always there, most
couples want at least some sense of
ceremony, and many couples want a large
dose of dignity, decorum, and ritual, as
befitting the importance of the day.
Should we write our
own vows? Why exchange rings?
Vows of love and commitment
can be written by yourselves, or I can
help you choose traditional vows, or
variations of them. Essentially, the
exchange of rings is the symbol of the
vows you have taken. Vows can be exchanged
without rings, of course, but these
symbols are powerful, and rings are a
physical emblem of your vows.
If you have any other questions, I'm
always here for you!