Same-Sex
Weddings
Ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples in Minnesota

Until
now, same-sex weddings have always been called commitment ceremonies
by the state. I've performed dozens of these ceremonies, always
called them weddings, and now that the state is going to recognize
them as weddings, well, in some ways things aren't going to change
that much. Couples are still going to come together in the eyes of
their family, their friends, their loved ones, under God (if they're
religious), only now the state will recognize the union, too.
So in many ways, a gay wedding and any other wedding are the same,
but when you actually start planning things, there are some choices
to be made, which can help personalize the elements of your wedding
in ways that are important to you.
For instance, the
Processional
in. As with straight couples, the approach I often take is to talk
about what is done traditionally, and then they can choose any
number of options from there. So, for a wedding processional:
- In many traditional weddings, the Mother of the Groom is often
ushered in by an usher, or by the groom (with the father a step
or two behind). So in a gay wedding with two Grooms, sometimes
both men usher in their Mothers.
- In some weddings, the Father of the Bride escorts in the
Bride. So in some lesbian weddings, each bride is escorted in by
her father. (The Mother of the Bride is usually escorted in by
an usher, who might be a brother of the bride, or someone else
close to the mom.)
In
the Jewish tradition (which is emulated in some Christian
weddings, nondenominational weddings, and non-religious
weddings) both the Mother and the Father of the Groom escort in
the Groom, and the Mother and Father of the Bride escort in the
Bride.
- So in a gay wedding with two Grooms, sometimes both men are
ushered in by both parents.
- Or in a lesbian wedding with two Brides, sometimes both
women are ushered in by both parents.
- Of course, you may create your own tradition - but it's nice
to know some of these traditional choices, so you have lots of
options.
Another question I get is, what about
rings?
Most couples like to exchange rings, the traditional symbol of the
vows of love and commitment you are taking. For many women, this
often means wearing an engagement ring (perhaps wearing it on your
left hand during the ceremony, so your wedding band can be placed by
your beloved onto your right hand). But how about with men? Most men
don't wear engagement rings, but sometimes gay men do a twist on the
traditional engagement ring by wearing their wedding bands as an
engagement ring, and then taking it off the day before the wedding,
to be placed on their right hand by their beloved during the
ceremony.
How about the
Best Man and
Maid of Honor?
What about the other attendants, like Bridesmaids or Groomsmen?
Well, there's several ways to handle those choices. Basically, each
person getting married gets to have attendants, the friends or
relatives that are peers that are most beloved and trusted, to stand
by them during their ceremony. Their Best Man or Maid of Honor gets
to sign the marriage license, throws them parties, and perhaps gives
a toast at their reception. Your main attendant may be a man or
woman beside you to support you in your marriage and throughout your
life, but how to do the Processional in? Some couples choose to have
one set of attendants standing up at the front at the beginning of
the ceremony, and then during the Recessional (at the end of the
wedding), everyone couples off and exits out. Or, you could have
each couple coming in together, not particularly paying attention to
whether men are with women (but usually, most couples choose the
first option...I'm not sure why, but most couples seem to prefer it.
) Either option is appropriate (or some other tradition that you
choose), it's just nice to know what's traditional.

And
what to wear? An easy rule of thumb
is to think about what you might wear to the wedding of a close
friend or relative. Would you perhaps wear a sort of Casual Friday
outfit? Or a bit more fancy, like a suit or dress? It's worth taking
a moment to pause and reflect what you might wear in such a
situation - what kind of clothing is the right level of dressiness
for your particular style, and what kinds of clothes are becoming
and yet also suit how you feel about yourself? Once you've got that
set in your head, then bump it up a notch...if you would wear Casual
Friday to a wedding, perhaps you might want to wear a suit of some
sort for your own wedding (Armani?). Or if you would usually wear a
suit, perhaps you might want to bump it up to a tuxedo or gown
(bridal or not). The point is, you want to wear something special,
something you wouldn't usually wear, something that reflects the
importance of the day. And by thinking first about how you might
dress as a guest (which puts you under less pressure), then it can
be easier to think of how you might bump it up a notch for your own
wedding, still being comfortable and true to your style, but also
making it something special.
Finally - the
marriage license. On August
1st, 2013, you can apply for your marriage license, but note that
there is a five-day waiting period. When you pay for and get your
marriage license, you have to wait five days before you can use it
(it's often called the "waiting period"). So if you apply for your
license on 8/1/13, you can then get married on 8/6/13 (the license
is good for six months). If you want more details, check
this
page.
If you have any other questions, I'm always here for you!