Commitment Ceremony and Gay Weddings  
Ceremonies for same-sex couples in Minnesota

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I have performed many commitment ceremonies, and would be honored to be part of yours, helping make sure your special day is beautiful, special, and uniquely yours. The following article helps explain some of the legalities. Some people find these legalities fascinating, others find them kind of dry and would rather focus on the loving, personal parts (so if you know that you'd like to use my services, you can always skip over the following and contact me directly!) 

(Originally written by request for "Lesbian Worlds"):
Both gay and straight couples sometimes ask me, "What is a commitment ceremony?" As with all weddings, both gay and straight, there are up to five results that come out of any commitment ceremony:

• Personal
• Religious
• Familial
• Social
• Legal

Next - a commitment ceremony can be seen a contract with up to five facets.

Your union, whether as a same-sex ceremony or heterosexual one, is a personal, religious, familial, and social contract. It's only the fifth facet of the union, the legal one, is the basic aspect that differentiates a same-sex commitment ceremony or wedding from a heterosexual ceremony. Thus, in this way, your wedding can also be seen as a commitment ceremony - basically, it's a commitment ceremony that is legally binding. For simplicity's sake, however, it's easiest to start with the definition that a commitment ceremony is public, but not legally binding. Your commitment ceremony may be called many things - a holy union (if religious), a gay marriage, or a lesbian wedding (if appropriate).  Such a ceremony doesn't even have to involve a gay couple. Some straight couples, for instance, want to commit together publicly, but may not want to go through a legal ceremony. A commitment ceremony is public and very important even though the state may not recognize the union.   While we should continue to fight for the legal rights of all our citizens, that doesn't mean that everyone can't have a ceremony or union that is special, beautiful, and meaningful. 

Is a commitment ceremony/holy union/gay wedding legally recognized in the United States?

• Simple answer? No. 
• Longer answer? For the most part, no.
• Longest answer: The vast majority of US states do not recognize the union of same-sex couples. Even the rights granted to couples in Massachusetts, Vermont, and Iowa only apply to couples when they are in those states, and not when they leave to go anywhere else. 
• Therefore, outside of a few states (not Minnesota, unfortunately), any legal benefits of a commitment ceremony must be made on your own, through such legal means as powers of financial and medical attorney, wills, living wills, and pre-nuptial agreements. Hennepin County has a Domestic Partners registration, for instance, which can help with visiting privileges in health care facilities. You can change your name, you can buy a house together, and you can usually do the same things as other married couples, but just by other means. 
• After your weddig, you, your friends and loved ones can refer to you as married.  Just because you are still filing as "Single" on your tax return doesn't mean that you're not married in a social, personal, religious, and familial sense. That yearly tax return status each spring may be annoying reminder of the state's attitude, but in some senses the legal part of the marriage contract is the smallest part.

If Minnesota commitment ceremonies are not legally recognized, then why have one?

As mentioned above, there are still the four other aspects to a couple's union (and the fifth one, the legal part, can be duplicated in many ways by other legal means). Marriage is not just a legal institution, it can also be a personal, religious, familial, and social one. Even if the state does not recognize the union, all the parties involved recognize the commitment, and all the other facets are binding.

Why make the Minnesota commitment ceremony a public ceremony?

Whether your ceremony is a wedding or commitment ceremony, it is essentially your public witnessing of their vows of commitment. You have privately vowed to be together forever, but your vows have never been formally, publicly witnessed. It is this formal witnessing which makes your event a wedding or commitment ceremony. As in a wedding, the guests, i.e. witnesses, at a commitment ceremony play an active and essential part of the ceremony, as all in attendance witness the couple's vows. Without witnesses (whether the Best Man, Maid of Honor, or all the guests), the exchange of vows would just be a private act. Hence the phrase, "We are gathered here today, before God and these witnesses, to witness the vows between these two people." (Note: Sometimes the word "God" is not included, if your ceremony is not religious.)

Who should we invite to our commitment ceremony/holy union/gay wedding?

For your commitment ceremony, you may invite the people most important to them, the ones they want to publicly witness their vows of love and commitment. As witnesses, the guests are an active and essential part of your ceremony. Vows are a personal contract, and by having them witnessed, your contract becomes public, as well. Your guests are not just any witnesses, just pulled off the street, as it were, but the people who are most important in your lives. Involving a minister can also make it a religious contract, although not all couples choose this option.

Why use a minister or officiant?

Two reasons:

• A minister or officiant experienced with commitment ceremonies and weddings is very helpful in the planning your event. In the best-case scenario, the minister is experienced with same-sex unions and has performed this ceremony and its rituals many times. He or she not only knows all the facets, but all the variations of the ceremony as well. Processionals, Recessionals, the Escort "giving away" the one betrothed to the other, these and all the other elements must be agreed upon and coordinated. A hetero wedding's traditions are confusing enough, and now we are basically creating our own traditions. Who should stand up for you? Who walks who down the aisle? Who wears what? These questions are fun and interesting, and an experienced officiant can walk you through all the options, and make sure that you haven't forgot anything.
• Additionally, an experienced minister not only helps write the ceremony, but helps "stage manage" the event, keeping things going smoothly. The couple will only perform this ceremony once, probably with only one rehearsal, and a calm, experienced officiant keeps the ceremony flowing smoothly. Having someone else at the event who really knows the ropes helps make the event ceremonial, meaningful, and special. While the option for humor and light-heartedness is always there, most couples want at least some sense of ceremony, and many couples want a large dose of dignity, decorum, and ritual, as befitting the importance of the day.

Should we write our own vows? Why exchange rings?

Vows of love and commitment can be written by yourselves, or I can help you choose traditional vows, or variations of them. Essentially, the exchange of rings is the symbol of the vows you have taken. Vows can be exchanged without rings, of course, but these symbols are powerful, and rings are a physical emblem of your vows.

If you have any other questions, I'm always here for you!

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I look forward to hearing from you!