Same-Sex Weddings  
Ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples in Minnesota

Until now, same-sex weddings have always been called commitment ceremonies by the state. I've performed dozens of these ceremonies, always called them weddings, and now that the state is going to recognize them as weddings, well, in some ways things aren't going to change that much. Couples are still going to come together in the eyes of their family, their friends, their loved ones, under God (if they're religious), only now the state will recognize the union, too.

So in many ways, a gay wedding and any other wedding are the same, but when you actually start planning things, there are some choices to be made, which can help personalize the elements of your wedding in ways that are important to you.

For instance, the Processional in. As with straight couples, the approach I often take is to talk about what is done traditionally, and then they can choose any number of options from there. So, for a wedding processional:

• In many traditional weddings, the Mother of the Groom is often ushered in by an usher, or by the groom (with the father a step or two behind). So in a gay wedding with two Grooms, sometimes both men usher in their Mothers.
• In some weddings, the Father of the Bride escorts in the Bride. So in some lesbian weddings, each bride is escorted in by her father. (The Mother of the Bride is usually escorted in by an usher, who might be a brother of the bride, or someone else close to the mom.)
  
• In the Jewish tradition (which is emulated in some Christian weddings, nondenominational weddings, and non-religious weddings) both the Mother and the Father of the Groom escort in the Groom, and the Mother and Father of the Bride escort in the Bride.
  
• So in a gay wedding with two Grooms, sometimes both men are ushered in by both parents.
• Or in a lesbian wedding with two Brides, sometimes both women are ushered in by both parents.
• Of course, you may create your own tradition - but it's nice to know some of these traditional choices, so you have lots of options.

Another question I get is, what about rings? Most couples like to exchange rings, the traditional symbol of the vows of love and commitment you are taking. For many women, this often means wearing an engagement ring (perhaps wearing it on your left hand during the ceremony, so your wedding band can be placed by your beloved onto your right hand). But how about with men? Most men don't wear engagement rings, but sometimes gay men do a twist on the traditional engagement ring by wearing their wedding bands as an engagement ring, and then taking it off the day before the wedding, to be placed on their right hand by their beloved during the ceremony.

How about the Best Man and Maid of Honor? What about the other attendants, like Bridesmaids or Groomsmen? Well, there's several ways to handle those choices. Basically, each person getting married gets to have attendants, the friends or relatives that are peers that are most beloved and trusted, to stand by them during their ceremony. Their Best Man or Maid of Honor gets to sign the marriage license, throws them parties, and perhaps gives a toast at their reception. Your main attendant may be a man or woman beside you to support you in your marriage and throughout your life, but how to do the Processional in? Some couples choose to have one set of attendants standing up at the front at the beginning of the ceremony, and then during the Recessional (at the end of the wedding), everyone couples off and exits out. Or, you could have each couple coming in together, not particularly paying attention to whether men are with women (but usually, most couples choose the first option...I'm not sure why, but most couples seem to prefer it. ) Either option is appropriate (or some other tradition that you choose), it's just nice to know what's traditional.

And what to wear? An easy rule of thumb is to think about what you might wear to the wedding of a close friend or relative. Would you perhaps wear a sort of Casual Friday outfit? Or a bit more fancy, like a suit or dress? It's worth taking a moment to pause and reflect what you might wear in such a situation - what kind of clothing is the right level of dressiness for your particular style, and what kinds of clothes are becoming and yet also suit how you feel about yourself? Once you've got that set in your head, then bump it up a notch...if you would wear Casual Friday to a wedding, perhaps you might want to wear a suit of some sort for your own wedding (Armani?). Or if you would usually wear a suit, perhaps you might want to bump it up to a tuxedo or gown (bridal or not). The point is, you want to wear something special, something you wouldn't usually wear, something that reflects the importance of the day. And by thinking first about how you might dress as a guest (which puts you under less pressure), then it can be easier to think of how you might bump it up a notch for your own wedding, still being comfortable and true to your style, but also making it something special.

Finally - the marriage license. On August 1st, 2013, you can apply for your marriage license, but note that there is a five-day waiting period. When you pay for and get your marriage license, you have to wait five days before you can use it (it's often called the "waiting period"). So if you apply for your license on 8/1/13, you can then get married on 8/6/13 (the license is good for six months). If you want more details, check this page.

If you have any other questions, I'm always here for you!