Next - a commitment ceremony can be seen a
contract with up to five facets.
Your union, whether as a same-sex ceremony or heterosexual one,
is a personal, religious, familial, and social contract. It's
only the fifth facet of the union, the legal one, is the basic aspect
that differentiates a same-sex commitment ceremony or wedding from a
heterosexual ceremony. Thus, in this way, your wedding can also
be seen as a commitment ceremony - basically, it's a commitment
ceremony that is legally binding. For simplicity's sake, however, it's
easiest to start with the definition that a commitment ceremony is public,
but not legally binding. Your commitment ceremony may be called many
things - a holy union (if religious), a gay marriage, or a lesbian
wedding (if appropriate). Such a ceremony doesn't even have to
involve a gay couple. Some straight couples, for instance, want to
commit
together publicly, but may not want to go through a legal ceremony. A
commitment ceremony is public and very important even though the state
may not recognize the union.
While we should continue
to fight for the legal rights of all our citizens, that doesn't mean
that everyone can't have a ceremony or union that is special,
beautiful, and meaningful.
Is a commitment ceremony/holy union/gay wedding legally recognized in the
United States? -
Simple answer? No.
- Longer answer?
For the most part, no.
- Longest answer: The
vast majority of US states do not recognize the union of same-sex
couples. Even the rights granted to couples in Massachusetts,
Vermont, and Iowa only apply to couples when they are in those states,
and not
when they leave to go anywhere else.
- Therefore, outside of a few
states (not Minnesota, unfortunately), any legal benefits of a commitment ceremony
must be made on your own, through such legal means as powers of
financial and medical attorney, wills, living wills, and pre-nuptial
agreements. Hennepin County has a Domestic Partners registration, for instance, which can help with visiting privileges in health care facilities. You can change your name, you can buy a house together, and
you can usually do the same things as other married couples, but just
by other means.
- After your weddig, you, your friends and loved ones can
refer to you as married. Just because you are still filing as
"Single" on your tax return doesn't mean that you're not married in a
social, personal, religious, and familial sense. That yearly tax return
status each spring may be annoying reminder of the state's attitude,
but in some senses the legal part of the marriage contract is
the smallest part.
If
Minnesota commitment ceremonies are not legally recognized, then why have one?
As mentioned above,
there are still the four other aspects to a couple's union (and the fifth one,
the legal part, can be duplicated in many ways by other legal means).
Marriage is not just a legal institution, it can also be a personal,
religious, familial, and social one. Even if the state does not
recognize the union, all the parties involved recognize the commitment,
and all the other facets are binding.
Why make
the Minnesota commitment ceremony a public ceremony?
Whether your ceremony is a
wedding or commitment ceremony, it is essentially your public
witnessing of
their vows of commitment. You have privately vowed to
be together forever, but your vows have never been formally, publicly
witnessed. It is this formal witnessing which makes your event a
wedding
or commitment ceremony. As in a wedding, the guests, i.e. witnesses, at
a commitment ceremony play an active and essential part of the
ceremony, as all in attendance witness the couple's vows. Without
witnesses (whether the Best Man, Maid of Honor, or all the guests), the
exchange of vows would just be a private act. Hence the phrase, "We are
gathered here today, before God and these witnesses, to witness the
vows between these two people." (Note: Sometimes the word "God" is not
included, if your ceremony is not religious.)
Who should
we invite to our commitment ceremony/holy union/gay wedding?
For your commitment ceremony, you may
invite the people most important to them, the ones they want to
publicly witness their vows of love and commitment. As witnesses, the
guests are an active and essential part of your ceremony. Vows are a
personal contract, and by having them witnessed, your contract becomes
public, as well. Your guests are not just any witnesses, just pulled
off the street, as it were, but the people who are most important in
your lives. Involving a minister can also make it a religious
contract, although not all couples choose this option.
Why use a
minister or
officiant?
Two reasons:- A minister or officiant
experienced with commitment ceremonies and weddings is very helpful in the planning your event. In the best-case scenario, the minister is
experienced with same-sex unions and has performed this ceremony and
its rituals many times. He or she not only knows all the facets, but
all the variations of the ceremony as well. Processionals,
Recessionals, the Escort "giving away" the one betrothed to the other,
these and all the other elements must be agreed upon and coordinated. A
hetero wedding's traditions are confusing enough, and now we are
basically creating our own traditions. Who should stand up for you? Who
walks who down the aisle? Who wears what? These questions are fun and
interesting, and an experienced officiant can walk you through all the
options, and make sure that you haven't forgot anything.
- Additionally, an experienced minister not only helps
write the ceremony, but helps "stage manage" the event, keeping things
going smoothly. The couple will only perform this ceremony once,
probably with only one rehearsal, and a calm, experienced officiant
keeps the ceremony flowing smoothly. Having someone else at the event
who really knows the ropes helps make the event ceremonial, meaningful,
and special. While the option for humor and light-heartedness is always
there, most couples want at least some sense of ceremony, and many
couples want a large dose of dignity, decorum, and ritual, as befitting
the importance of the day.
Should we
write our own vows?
Why exchange rings?
Vows of love and
commitment can be written by yourselves, or I can help you choose
traditional vows, or variations of them. Essentially, the
exchange of rings is the symbol of the vows you have taken. Vows
can be exchanged without rings, of course, but these symbols are
powerful, and rings are a physical emblem of your vows.
If you have any other questions, I'm always here for you!
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